Friday, September 16, 2011

Grief is an emptiness that is soul deep

I was talking to a friend on Twitter yesterday about grief and losing loved ones. She had written that some people expect that you should be able to move on and find closure. But, we both felt that sometimes that is impossible to do. You don’t just get over it, but people want you to. Life moves on and they expect that you should too. During that conversation I posted the following:

Anyone who believes that has not suffered great loss or is in denial. Grief is a soul deep emptiness that cannot be filled. You can only hope to learn to live with it.”

They don’t understand that it is hard, nearly impossible at times to avoid the overwhelming presence of grief. I go about my daily life, but it is never far away, just waiting to suck me back in. When you lose family, it is as if part of you, your history, is gone. For me it does feel like a large piece of my heart and soul was ripped out and went with them. We were all so inter-twined… and then they were gone.

Grief over the loss of a loved one is so hard. I can’t even begin to describe it. Sometimes it is like a huge weight that is sitting on you and won’t let you up. So you just sit there or if you are still in bed, you just lay there and let it cover you like a blanket. I feel helpless as it encompasses me and everything around me. Everything I touch is somehow tainted. I see things differently. I question the motives of my friends. I feel alone and a little lost, but I am afraid to reach out to anyone. I don’t want them tainted by this as well.

At times like this we all need to bleed. It is a part of the process. We need the pain that heartache brings. It is the only thing we can feel. So we wallow in our grief. We push it around in our mind, experiencing it piece by piece, until it becomes a part of us, until we can pick ourselves up and learn to live with it.

Experience has shown me that in time the pain of loss will be less. But, it never completely leaves and we are forever changed by it.

3 comments:

  1. So glad that you have shared the heartache and "soul deep emptiness" that accompanies the devastating loss of a close family member, friend, colleague of any significant other. As we discussed it is pointless to seek "closure" as it is impossible as life is changed so significantly with the loss of a mother, a wife, a husband, a brother, a sister, a daughter, a son, a cousin, a best friend...etc.

    Grief comes in waves and is developmental; time does diminish some of the pain but never all. What we can hope for is the ability to manage our grief and hopefully make sure that the things that we love most about our departed person lives on everyday in our lives.

    "Bleeding", mourning and grief should not be stifled, ever. As you say, "We push it around in our mind, experiencing it piece by piece until it becomes a part of us, until we can pick ourselves up and learn to live with it.:

    It has been over three years since my only sibling; my younger brother died after a massive and surprising heart attack. There are those who assume that I am well over it and moving on and there are those who understand that it is a loss that will always be part of who I am and where I am going.

    Love your post and thanks for sharing it and give you so much support.

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  2. Very true words Mary. The weight of grief is so often unbearable, and yet… we wake up, the sun rises, the earth turns, cars pass by and children laugh. Through all this, grief is still with us. I wish I could take some of that grief from you, lift some of that burden off of your shoulders, but I know I can't, anymore than you can take mine. I think, at least for me, that people who love someone suffering from grief, usually want people to "move on" because they want the grieving person to feel better, to not be in pain. It is frequently inappropriately offered as advice, but I think it has more to do with wanting happiness for their loved one, rather than just telling you to "get over it." You are so right, there is no such thing, if there were, then I don't think there would be love. You capture very well the painful truth about grief. I hear you and am here for you my friend. xox

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  3. Very honest and soul baring post Mary. You are correct that the grief never leaves, there will always be that empty place, things unsaid and pain. I am truly sorry for what you are now experiencing and I offer my hand and my heart to you in any way that you need it.

    I have found that the grief I have experienced changes over time. What I feel now is a quiet joy to have had the childhood and parental love that I had. I remember the good things. I honor their anniversaries quietly and privately. They are always with me in sprit, which keeps me going.

    Take the time you need to grieve and please know you have loving friends to reach out to.

    Thank you for sharing. xo

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