I miss my friends

My friends haven’t gone anywhere. It was I who left. After Mom died, many have offered to be there if I need to talk. It is just that I can’t. My words are gone.

I would love to return to the state of mind in which I could have long conversations about nothing and anything. You know, they were the kind of conversations that went on for hours, but only seem like minutes. They were conversations that you had no idea what you talked about later, but knew that profound truths had been shared along with a lot of silly nonsense. I seem to have lost that ability to share in this way.

Twitter had become my favorite online site. It kept me in touch with the latest news. I also had a few friends that I connected with and shared thoughts and music. But, after Mom died I couldn’t be there at all. It was all just too noisy. I don’t want to lose touch with these friends, but in many ways I already have.

I find myself at times lurking on Twitter. Conversations between friends go on around me in a carefree way. I miss being a part of them, but can find a way in. It is as if we are in different worlds and maybe we always were.

I no longer spend much time there. It is just too hard. As of late, I have tried forcing myself to reach out, but it is so difficult to do. I can’t talk about the trivial stuff that is the main content of most conversations as I am weighed down by my grief. I want to scream, “Can’t you see that I am in pain!” But, they can’t see that. They don’t even know I am there, mute in the corner, unable to speak. There are no words for what I am feeling. They cannot see me fighting back tears alone in my room, lit only by the screen of my laptop.

Absence of conversation and human contact forced me inside my head. But, restless thoughts have led to sleepless nights. To combat this I have started to play games on my computer and have become addicted to mahjongg. I play the simple version on Yahoo with numbers and letters. The traditional version required too much thought. I wanted and needed a mindless activity. I play as fast as I can and have found that I am most successful when I don’t think about it at all. I just click on the tiles as fast as I can. Winning is not important, it is just in the doing. Then, I found getting to the mindless state was easier if I played music. I used an old mix of 12 songs and put them on repeat. I might go through them several times in one session. I play until my eyes are too heavy to stay open. Sometimes this allows me to sleep.

But, this is only a temporary solution and I want my old life back. I want to be carefree again. But, I fear those days are gone for good. I am different now. Death changed me and there is no going back.

Life changes are inevitable. I accept that. But, I just miss what it was. I miss who I was. But mostly I miss the unconditional love that only a parent can give.